2 min read

The 2024 Presidential Debate Night Drinking Game.

This Thursday evening two members of the Baby Boomer generation, real living dinosaurs, will represent both sides of the American two-party political system in an election for president for—dear sweet baby Jesus let’s hope—the last time in history.

Are you exhausted yet? I’m sorry, what a stupid question. Of course, you are! Hell, we’re all beyond exhausted by all of the bullshit that has been going on since 2016. And it just keeps getting dumb and dumber (Never mind that one side continues to worship and support a convicted felon as their candidate).

For the first time in 68 years, the presidential debate will take place live on television without a studio audience. Microphones will be muted in an attempt to keep the discourse civil (ha, ha, ha), but let's not kid each other. Tempers are going to flair, blood pressure will rise, hand motions will be made, and both candidates will jumble their words in an attempt to make a coherent statement. 

There’s no way this is going to be good, but no one said we have to be coherent during this shit show. So, let's turn this dreadful, awkward event into a party. Let's send off to the spoiled children of the Greatest Generation and have ourselves a 2024 Presidential Debate Night Drinking Game. Be prepared! Take Friday off. Call in sick. Quit your job. Whatever you need to clear the runway for the morning after what is sure to be an evening of who knows what hosted by CNN.

The rules are simple

  1. Anyone in your party who is not already registered to vote legally in these United States must take a knee and drink a full glass of the nastiest liquor you can think of without the benefit of ice or mixers or Splenda.
  2. Once you start, you must finish. If you have to relieve yourself, appoint someone to record the drinking activity you missed and take care of business when you return.
  3. Do not drink until the debate starts. You won’t need to pre-game, trust me.

Take a sip when…

  • Trump mentions China (‘Jy-na’ is also acceptable)
  • Biden says "Come on, man!”
  • Trump mentions "fake news"
  • Biden references "Scranton"
  • Trump refers to an FBI raid, any FBI raid future or past
  • Either candidate interrupts the other
  • Trump mentions a conspiracy theory, any will do
  • Biden talks about the middle class.
  • Either candidate says "the American people."
  • Trump says "huge" or "tremendous."
  • Biden talks about climate change.
  • Trump denies climate change
  • Biden mentions Jill
  • Either candidate says "Covid-19" or "pandemic."

Take a drink when…

  • Trump mentions Hunter Biden
  • Biden brings up Trump's taxes
  • Trump says "Make America Great Again"
  • Biden talks about universal healthcare
  • Either candidate talks about immigration
  • Trump boasts about the economy during his administration
  • Trump talks shit about the economy during Biden’s administration
  • Biden criticizes Trump's handling of Covid-19.
  • Trump walks up on Biden from behind
  • Biden name-drops Obama
  • Either candidate quotes a past president.

Take a long pull off the bottle when…

  • Trump says something about Stormy
  • Biden says "Eureka!"
  • Either candidate mentions artificial intelligence intentionally

Finish your drink when…

  • Either candidate refuses to directly answer a question
  • Either candidate calls the other a liar
  • Either candidate talks about election integrity
  • Either candidate stares and doesn’t move for six seconds
  • Either candidate suffers a stroke
  • Biden pulls out a pair of Aviators
  • Trump makes his bent elbows-raised fists “dance” move

Hydrate when…

  • There is a commercial break
  • Either candidate forgets or stumbles over a key fact
  • The moderator has to intervene to stop the candidates from talking over each other

Take one last drink for Generation X in 2028! Good luck and god help us all!